2003-02-26 - 1:58 p.m.
SUSPICIOUS WORDS AND PHRASES
TURNED UP MISSING. How is this possible? If something turns up, it isn't missing. It's found.
IRREGARDLESS. This is not a word. The word is "regardless." If you hear anyone say irregardless, disregard them immediately.
MINI-SUPERMARKET. If it's mini, honestly, how fucking super can it really be?
I COULD CARE LESS. I hear people say this all the time. Don't you mean "I couldn't care less?" When someone tells me they could care less, I tell them to call me when they don't care at all. Or don't. I couldn't care less, really.
SLOW STOP AHEAD. I saw a street sign that says this. So should I slow, stop, or keep going?
DOT EVERY I. This seems like overkill. I only dot the lower case ones. And sometimes I don't even do that. Is that OK with you, Mr. Penmanship?
THERE'S ONE IN EVERY FAMILY. No, sometimes there's two. Like at the Menendez family. Or the Bush family, for that matter.
HELMAN'S REAL MAYONNAISE. As opposed to Helman's unsuccessful Imaginary Mayonnaise, discontinued in the 70's.
FANCY KETCHUP. I saw this on a packet of ketchup. I mean, it's fucking ketchup. How goddamn fancy could it possibly get? Especially when it comes out of a packet.
IT WAS A SUNNY DAY. Well of course it was a day. Unless you're spending your summer in the Arctic Circle, you're not going to have too many sunny nights. Barring a summer outing to Oslo, I think it's safe to just say "it was sunny."
WAR ON TERROR. Can't we at least call it War on Terrorists? Waging a war on an abstraction shouldn't yield so many tangible dead bodies. Besides, calling it a War on Terror makes me wonder when they're going to round up John Carpenter and Wes Craven and put them in camps.
POLISH DILL PICKLES. Do you know what the difference between polish dill pickles and kosher dill pickles is? Not a damn thing. Polish dill pickles are kosher dill pickles marketed to people who don't like jewish people. There is absolutely no reason to have two names for something just to cater to some backwards-thinking anti-semetic assholes.
...In fact, I'm tired of all these different names for food in general. Isn't it time we as a nation got together and decided what to call things? I hate moving around the country and having to relearn the terms for common food and beverages. Is it soda, or pop, or sodapop, or tonic? Is it a milkshake or a frappe? Are they pancakes or flapjacks? Are they submarines, torpedoes, hoagies, heroes, or grinders? Whenever I'm in an unfamiliar state, I just ask for "one of those big fucking sandwiches."
SECOND HAND. Occasionally, someone will ask you, "Do you have a watch with a second hand?" Look, every watch has a second hand. What you're looking for is a watch with a third hand.
RELIGIOUS BELIEF. All religions are beliefs. If they were more than that, it wouldn't be a religion. It would be science. Fact.
How is it that STOP MOTION and FREEZE FRAME are two different things?
FAMOUS AMOS. When Famous Amos cookies first came out, what were they called? I mean, something just coming out couldn't very well claim to be famous, could it? Maybe it was just Amos. Or Slightly Well Known Amos.
PULL TAB. I saw this on a beer can once: "Pull and lift tab to open." If you need instructions on how to open a beer can, don't drink it. You have no brain cells to spare.
COLD HARD CASH. Radio DJ's are always giving away $10,000 in cold, hard cash. Hard cash? What, like pennies and dimes? Keep 'em, I don't need a million pennies weighing down my pockets. Use them to pay the heating bill. Then maybe your cash wouldn't be so cold.
PANTS. Ok, I can see why it's a pair of pants, even though its really just one unified whole. You have two legs on a pair of pants, and each one is a pant, hence the "pair." But can someone explain why it's a pair of underpants?
INDIE. When did "Indie Film" become a synonym for "small budget?" Star Wars are independent films, you don't get much bigger-budget than that. However, I do agree with "straight to video" being synonomous with "sucky."
WORKING PROFESSIONAL. You don't need to say "working." If you're a professional, we know you're working. That's what a profession is. A job. It might not be your ideal job. You can be an aspiring sculptor and work as a garbage man, but guess what? Until you sell a sculpture, you're an amateur sculptor and a waste management professional.
SQUARE-SHAPED. I hear this from time to time, "it's a square-shaped coffee table." No, asshole, it's a square coffee table. I know it's a shape. That's what a square is. A shape.
THE AMERICAN DREAM. Are we the only country with a dream? You don't hear about the German Dream. Haven't read too much about the Japanese Dream, either. Maybe if we didn't dream so fucking much, we'd be able to build a car worth a damn. Like the Germans. Or the Japanese.
